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gollum
April 2009 
What's the most important thing that happened to you this month?
Posted on Oct 31st, 2007
by 
dev
dev
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for October 31, 2007:
got rid of gollum! gave up, threw in the towel and turned my life upside down. now i realize how much of a demon i was wrestling with, a little distance can be shocking.Was this my ego getting off on self sacrifice and 'helping' a poor soul? Was i so blinded by ' i am helping this poor guy' that i could not see the truth? Was he just a pathetic distortion of my own ego? By 'fixing' him, did I think I was fixing myself? If I sacraficed and gave up 'enough', would i be rewarded? Did I, in fact, break my own heart? Lol! yes
These experiences are really not about the other person, it is about ourselves. Apparently my ego was getting off on something or i would not have allowed it
image: gollum/ lord of the rings
Listen for a scratchy voice with a slight hiss
thank you for
These experiences are really not about the other person, it is about ourselves. Apparently my ego was getting off on something or i would not have allowed it
image: gollum/ lord of the rings
Listen for a scratchy voice with a slight hiss
thank you for
Access: Public
I am glad you are feeling better. I also threw in the towel this month on a 25 year marriage. I have been trying to make it work for three years and its' not going anywhere. I hope to experience the happiest you have after I talk to my lawyer today. I am finished with the demonic spirit of lies and deceits. God bless you and much happiness to you too.
Jazz
Thank you Jazz! please, hang in there and best of luck with the attorney. I am sending you all the good and positive vibes available, move forward and trust your inner wisdom
shanti shanti,
dev
“some part of my ego…”
was the gollum in or out?
both, maybe…
i send hugs.
i had this repeating pattern of behaviour for about six years that took great effort to change. i was in the navy before that- and it made me rather oblique. rude even. when i got out of the navy- i was guilty and ashamed of this, so rather than be strong AND kind- i was a pushover who was used a lot. this didnt help anyone of course- id just feel deep resentment and sooner or later act out inappropriately instead of appropriately- further compounding my guilt.
when i realized what was happening, i tried to fix myself. first, i tried to toughen up (overemphasize my selfishness) but this failed because i was afraid of letting the protective beast in me loose.
finally, i realized that this is exactly what my gollum was- the protective beast. i had pent him up and chained him down, turning him angry and crazed. so. i reintegrated him. now i am him (in part). that same part of me is the part that lends integrity (honesty) to the rest of me. it gives me the strength to gently say, “no,” without fear- and without fear- without force.
not that im finished (ha ha). i am alive afterall.
im sure its different for you- its different for everyone. i only share this as sort of fellowship- kinda a communion of growers. maybe it means something to you- dunno.
more hugs,
me